Johnny was off school on Friday - earache. He's a little prone to it and having suffered a couple of bouts as a child I am most sympathetic - it's such an intrusive kind of pain. But actually, dosed up to the eyeballs with Paracetamol, he was actually very perky and good company. And I realized how different the rhythm of our days used to be when he and I had big chunks of time together at home. Not that I'm wishing myself back to babe-in-the-house-hood. Oh no.
I bumped into an old friend in the supermarket the other day. Her eldest is in double digits now. Two housemoves later and our lives have diverged somewhat and so I hadn't seen her for about a year. She had a newborn in a sling. My jaw just about hit the floor, right after I asked her whose baby she'd borrowed. Oops. I was so very happy for her (and so utterly relieved that I didn't have to do it again myself).
But in the midst of all that intensity of the hands-on child rearing years, there are the moments of sweetness that keep you sane. It's so different as they grow. Not sure if it's just that I have boys and not terribly communicative ones, at that. But so much of their lives becomes hidden from you. The intensity of their emotions blunted in the re-telling. I find myself, like a forensic scientist, trying to re-create their days from the snippets of evidence in the bookbags and their incomplete testimony, interspersed with requests for food. So just sometimes, it's good to have an unexpected quiet day at home. And to re-connect.
Can you tell we've got a birthday coming up? I'm such a sap, but it always makes me feel so wistful. For them it's a marker of new things, of growing up. But for us Mamas, it's a sign of time passing and all that means we have left behind.
In the midst of my nostalgia-fuelled wallowing, I came across this:
Celebrate the boy is a month dedicated to boy related sewing and crafts. I will be keeping a close eye on it. And celebrating mine - big boys or not!
** and thank you so much for your sweet replies to the last post - I had to close the comments because I was getting all embarrassed. Your friendship make me feel very Special indeed. **
That's because you are special! And the idea of a month devoted to boy-related crafts is a super one...they really do get overlooked...
K x
Posted by: kristina | 02 February 2010 at 13:42
I am blessed with two very special boys and I feel so lucky. I am keeping an eye out on the about a boy month too.
Posted by: TheMadHouse | 02 February 2010 at 13:48
I have to confess I actually 'fell in love' with my boy.
thanks for the link to the 'boy month'.
Posted by: trashalou | 02 February 2010 at 13:56
Love the blogs about boy craft- now having a guilt trip because I never make my boy anything! Have put the link on my blog just now. Louise x
Posted by: Louise | 02 February 2010 at 14:04
Hi Ali, I'm also the mother of two boys, and I really empathise with you on this post. My sons have given me: me the guilty pleasure of not being a domestic cleaning goddess; the enjoyment of climbing and abseiling and canoeing with them; a very eclectic music selection on my iPOD; the ability to let all of us take more physical risks and to praise them when they overcome them, rather than telling them to STOP! NOW!
Hope the balance between enjoyment and frustration is fine for you all.
Posted by: stitchinscience | 02 February 2010 at 14:14
I'm a mother of boys too. Someone once told me that you have to ask them specific questions, rather than general. For example, instead of "How was your day?" you have to ask, "What kind of art project did you work on today?". Otherwise, with boys, you end up with yes or no answers. Boys do love their mothers though!
Posted by: Thimbleanna | 02 February 2010 at 14:16
I have two big boys (and a girl). The younger one will be 13 on Sunday. I love the way they are growing up, I love that they have their own lives, I love that they make their own decisions and sort out their problems by themselves. I love that they can go out into the world without me yet return home confident of finding comfort and security. The eldest will be 15 this summer and yet he still wants a hug at bedtime. It is a fine thing to be the mother of boys.
Posted by: Sue | 02 February 2010 at 14:18
I have girls, and quite llittle ones at that. But the elder one is starting to want to keep things a little more private and not tell me every detail of her day. I am not finding it easy yet. And I do still miss having my smaller one at home all day - but they'll be home soon and then I'll be missing the peace and quiet!
Posted by: dottycookie | 02 February 2010 at 14:19
of course we can just embarrass you about how special you are on this post instead Ali...
enjoy the birthday planning, they grow up so fast don't they x
Posted by: driftwood | 02 February 2010 at 14:21
I think with all kids you just need to keep the dialogue open and really listen.They always tell us just not always in words.
I love those sick at home one to one days.So great to recharge and relax together.
Posted by: Kristy | 02 February 2010 at 14:34
We have two boys, two girls. Our eldest is almost nine and I can see him changing so much, almost on a daily basis. They are wonderful, and what a great idea for boy related sewing ideas.
Posted by: Jennifer | 02 February 2010 at 14:44
Lol! I love your comment about not knowing about huge chunks of the boys lives! I am mum to two boys aswell and I practically beg them on the drive home from school to tell me something, anything, about their day. Apparently it's annoying...
Posted by: Lisa | 02 February 2010 at 15:08
Oh Ali, this post absolutely tugged at my heart strings. My own boy has grown up and away so much this year, we had our own "sick day" not so long ago and it was really good for both of us. Why does no one tell you that becoming a mother means your heart moves into you mouth and basically stays there forever.
Off to check out the great link now.
Posted by: Rebecca | 02 February 2010 at 15:57
Hi Ali. My swap parcel arrived today and my swap partner received hers, so we're all set to feel special. Thankyou so much for organising it for us. I'm really enjoying it! My 'boy' is 21 now and ,ladies, I have to tell you...sons get even better when they're all grown up.Lots of love, Amanda xxx
Posted by: Amanda | 02 February 2010 at 16:03
As the mother of four boys your post really resonated with me. And Thimbleanna's comment about asking very specific questions couldn't be more true. They are lovely though even if they don't always say much!
Posted by: Gina | 02 February 2010 at 19:26
I don't have any boys of my own (or girls for that matter!) but from my experience my parteners heart still belongs to his mother :)
Posted by: Sarah | 02 February 2010 at 19:53
Love the lollipop tulips. Hope the earache subsides soon.
I too look forward to the book bag coming home and the little information that I can glean from them between the hunger pangs. I get disappointed when nothing has been written in the reading record or the comment is just read to page whatever. I try to think of different questions to ask to get different bits of information from them and then piece it together. How is it that these years when they are so young travel so fast for us? and that we don't get a chance to stop the clock and just stare for very long at where they are at and just take a little mental note of this time now for the future when they are big and no longer need us so much.
Posted by: Thimbleina | 02 February 2010 at 20:08
That's where my Creepy Cute Crochet fit right in! And guess what? No2's friends all want one now. Boys get bigger, but don't really grow up!
Posted by: Dragonfly | 02 February 2010 at 20:09
My eldest is a boy and he started high school this year so now I really feel like he's growing up and moving on.
He would be mortified if he thought I was celebrating him (so not cool, a complete fail, you make me sound like a right spoff) but I shall do it quietly anyway beacause, although we're embarking on the dreaded teenage years, I really love the human being he's growing into.
And, having one of each, I can tell you - boys are so much more straightforward than girls!
Posted by: Lynne | 02 February 2010 at 21:48
Parcel has arrived and I've opened the first surprise, thank you again for organising such a great mood lifter.x
Going to look at Celebrate the boy....though mine ( 6yr old) has been a right pain in the bum this week!
Posted by: French Knots | 02 February 2010 at 22:00
I don't know that it's just boys - I have too girls and they are a world apart. Eldest is a closed book and, coupled with the physical difficulties she has producing speech, we get very little out of her. I do wonder what's going on in there sometimes.
Though often, when pressed, it IS a request for food!
Posted by: The Coffee Lady | 03 February 2010 at 09:59
I feel misty-eyed already and he's not even five months old yet. What I've got to come... Thanks for the link to 'celebrate the boy' - it's not easy to find good craft for them.
Posted by: Jo | 03 February 2010 at 10:06
hurray for boys... (I have to say... I love those rare one to one moments... they make it all worthwhile!)
Posted by: monica | 03 February 2010 at 10:30
Oh I love this post! My baby boy, my only boy is about to turn four and as I looked at him asleep in his carseat today I did realise how much he is growing up. He just didn't look little anymore.
It makes me quite sad. He has two more years before he goes to school and my daytime nest will be empty. I am going to savour every minute of them.
Yay for celebrating boy craft, I popped some of my creations on the group.
Posted by: Tamara | 03 February 2010 at 11:21
As you know I have three girls and let me tell you - they never shut up!! From the minute I pick them up at school they fight to tell me just about every detail and conversation they had during their day. I have to get them to take turns and even then I'm confused!! But I LOVE it!! My oldest is just about to turn 10 and I'm quite sure she will start to become more private soon.
Posted by: Louise | 03 February 2010 at 12:01
I have two boys, too, and the older one is very sweet, but so quiet about his life I have to judge his happiness by how much he's whistling and humming. The younger talks more and still likes to cuddle. He's good to make things for. My mom made him a quilt, but was very "Oh, he's a boy, I know it's not a big deal for him." But you know what? It was! He loves it.
I'm sometimes sorry not to have girls, especially when I see little girls in their crazy outfits, but I do think a house filled with boys is a fine thing.
frances
Posted by: frances | 03 February 2010 at 13:32
I really identified with your post. I am the mum of 2 boys. Sometimes I worry why the wont tell me much - when other mums always seem to be bursting with info. their sons have told them - I always feel the last to know - lol. Off to check out the link you posted. Thank you!!
Posted by: ali.b | 03 February 2010 at 14:37
Aah that would be why I couldn't comment !
My swap partner & I are doing 8-14th. So sorry you are partnerless - my partner says she's doing two !
My son will do anything to stay home & not go to school - he loves home & hates school - is 14 now & has never afreed with going to school. The funny thing is that he talks about going on to college !
Posted by: Penny | 03 February 2010 at 15:04
Well I have a boy and a girl, and they are both sometimes very 'deep' and difficult to fathom. I am told what they want to tell me - sometimes other stuff comes out days after it happened.
Hope your little one's ear is all better. x
Posted by: Kitty | 03 February 2010 at 15:42
Ooh, I haven't tried the forensics approach - I've been limiting my detective skills to the interrogation approach. No, I'm not shining a light in his face (although I'm sometimes tempted), but I will ask the same question 3 different ways to see if I can get a consistent answer...
Still, an inside joke for us each day is that I'll ask him what he did at school and he'll say um and ah for a minute or so, without giving any answer.
Posted by: UK lass in US | 03 February 2010 at 21:22
I always finish my conversations with "Is there anything else that I need to know?" For some reason it sparks the most random statements - real insights into what is important to them.
A long time ago Lina made the most beautiful quilt for her son out of old shirting material. I really coveted that quilt.
Posted by: Alice C | 03 February 2010 at 21:36
Oh! I don't want my little boy to grow up either! Lucy x
Posted by: Lucy Locket-Pocket | 04 February 2010 at 11:54
They grow up to quick. I know what you mean when you talk about not knowing what goes on in their lives. My oldest has just started school and he gives little information away about his time their, His answer to my 101 questions is "I can't remember" which becomes quite frustrating!
I've only just found your blog and love this pos, I'm off to read more. Jenny
Posted by: Jenny | 05 February 2010 at 12:55
tonight, my cherished and loved 7 year old has the shits with me...I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the fact that I wanted to watch the news headlines and I shushed him when he tried to speak. 7 year old takes himself to his room, and slams his door in anger. After calmly but sternly talking to him about it "i'm the worst mother in the world".
these are the days when I see my child as a teenager and freak a little.
what gets to me as a parent, is that I really battle the age behaviour issues. I mean I hate them....but do I want them to get old?
no.
big hugs to you Ali....hope you are well.
Posted by: Tiel | 07 February 2010 at 09:15
I don't hate 'them' as in my kids, I hate the bad behaviour moments.
just wanted to clarify.
Posted by: Tiel | 07 February 2010 at 09:17
Both my daughter and son started doing "stuff" at school in Year 2 and they've been doing the same subject ever since. The answer to "what did you do today at school?" is always "stuff". My daughter is now 11 and my son 9 and even though they go to school in France they stillspend most of their time doing "stuff" - unless something really, really exciting happens - something like a swarm of bees being caught in the playground might get mentioned, or there again I might have found out about that from another parent at the school gate.
Posted by: jo | 07 February 2010 at 12:48
My two boys are 19 and 21 and I so miss them being younger. It's really sad - enjoy every minute :)
Posted by: lazylol | 07 February 2010 at 15:46
I am constantly struck by the differences between my boy and girl - definitely nature and not nurture, they communicate in entirely different ways. I love the idea of celebrate the boy!
Posted by: Helen | 08 February 2010 at 20:17