Somewhere, unbeknown to me, a subtle metamorphosis has taken place. My once guaranteed-to-be-enthusiastic firstborn has morphed into a child who mutters and pouts and whines whenever he is asked to leave the house. Don't get me wrong, he is still a social butterfly when invited to do just about anything at all with his friends, but a family expedition? Nah. This summer I have bent over backwards to try - geocaching, meals out, orienteering, all manner of fun excursions which might appeal to a boy on the cusp of 11. Somehow they have all been met with the same reluctance.
And the thing that really gets me? Quite often when I have hauled him, protesting, to do whatever it is, he says, on the way home "Actually, that was quite fun after all". Aaaaargh. Because after listening to his moaning and groaning I am in a thoroughly stinking mood and have not been in the right frame of mind to enjoy it at all. It's exhausting.
Perhaps it's my karma catching up with me. I was always so judgemental about the families you see out and about, with children all plugged into their individual electronic gadgets, and thereby insulated from having to interract with their families or their surroundings. It's just that I don't want to turn into one.
There is one gadget though that seems to ease matters - my camera. Viewing life through the lens allows him to engage with what's going on, yet still be in his own headspace.
Which is, what I am assuming, is what is with the proto-teen attitude. Though I could be wrong. Feel free to enlighten me.
er, snap :-( I have found the slow process of Edward becomming a teenager a very painful process, and it started last summer when he was 11, and he will be 13 in November, argh!!!!
and no, I have no advice!
Posted by: raspberry | 06 September 2011 at 21:57
That all sounds so familiar.
We kept our lot engaged at that age by encouraging them to produce their own newspaper. It was an intermittent publication circulated amongst the extended family. You'd be amazed what's interesting when you're an 'official' junior reporter.
The camera is a brilliant idea :D
Posted by: Annie | 06 September 2011 at 22:05
That's it, exactly. I have one left in the house who still has the enthusiasm of a child, but even that won't last long. Breaking away from us so they can define the boundaries of their own selves - I'm finding it painful.
Posted by: Megan | 06 September 2011 at 22:14
I'm not there yet so have no advice to offer. I did however laugh at your comment about being judgmental of other parents. I used to think I was an awesome mother when I just had my daughter... and that some mothers of boys probably just weren't as wonderful as me. Then I had my son and had to take it all back!!! Humbling indeed!
Posted by: lina | 06 September 2011 at 22:31
Stop it, you're scaring me.
I introduced my lot to geocaching this summer. I am addicted. They are unimpressed - none more so than my husband, which stunned me as he's an even bigger geek than I am.
Posted by: dottycookie | 06 September 2011 at 22:41
My eldest daughter is about to turn 11 and has the enthusiasm of a frozen pea. I think it's the eye rolling and sulking which are the hardest to deal with. Apparently they start becoming more human again at 15 : )
Posted by: Min | 07 September 2011 at 01:03
Shall we cut to the chase and set up some parental group therapy?
Posted by: Tania | 07 September 2011 at 02:34
Welcome to my world! Not quite eleven you say... oh dear, my grunter has just turned fifteen. Gin helps ; )
Posted by: Dragonfly | 07 September 2011 at 06:59
All sounds very familiar and I think you've hit the nail right on the head. I don't even know what geocaching is!
Posted by: Gina | 07 September 2011 at 07:44
I love Min's idea of 'the enthusiasm of a frozen pea'. That's what I struggle with. Eldest is away this week with school and it is amazing how much we are getting done, with no-one moaning or trying to put the TV on in the background.
Posted by: The Coffee Lady | 07 September 2011 at 12:05
My 12 year is just the same and has been for some time. She would be happy in front of the TV all day every day, with breaks to be grumpy and argue with me or her brother. Oh joy!
I hope I get a happy, enthusiastic daughter back one day.
Posted by: French Knots | 07 September 2011 at 13:14
Oh yes - we're exactly the same! My nearly 12 yr old is only fitfully enthusiastic about things, and it is getting increasingly hard to predict what will trigger any enthusiasm - it changes all the time!
I am beginning to think that parenting a teenager will require even more of my patience than parenting a toddler. Sometimes he can be so infuriating.
But the upsides are definitely there too. When he's not hormonally grumpy he is fantastic company and I love his increasingly mature sense of humour. He's also getting more helpful around the house - incredible but true!
Nsncy x
Posted by: The List Writer | 07 September 2011 at 13:59
Ahhhhhhhhhh. It must be something about eleven year olds - mine is exactly the same.
Not only can I say yes to all of the above, but the amount of time I'm sat waiting in because he's off on some jolly with a friend and I never know (until he texts me) when he will return. Nine times out of ten it's with at least three friends in tow that all want feeding.
I hope this phase passes soon.
Nina x
Posted by: Nina - Tabiboo | 07 September 2011 at 14:03
It all sounds very familiar and perfectly normal! It was actually our 11 year old that introduced us to geocaching and every outing involved a detour to a 'cache' - so much so that the 9 year old and I became the ones that moaned! Keep going - onwards and upwards, it is the teen's (and the neo teen's)job to test our mothering limits. The bad days will be offset with glimpses of light and humour - I promise. Mine are now 17 and 15 - the empty nest is beginning to loom on the horizon and time is passing too, too fast. But, in an all male household, lovely as it can be - do not underestimate the value and importance of female company, outings and time away from the home: all crucial in my view. Always happy to meet for a coffee and cake, especially if a tip to a fabric/wool shop is involved.
Posted by: Nicola | 07 September 2011 at 15:27
We've yet to get there. I know it's coming though. I love Dragonfly's comment.
Posted by: Emma | 07 September 2011 at 15:55
Think yourself lucky that you only have boys - girls are 10-times more trouble and for longer!
Posted by: Grumpy | 07 September 2011 at 16:29
Perhaps you need to record him saying his positive comments after an expedition and play it back to him...or buy him a camera of his own for Christmas.
It was my first day back at school today and I have three grunters and one chatterbox in my little group of 10 year old boys to work closely with. I've got to find a way to quickly win them over. I started by giving them 100 points as a start for listening today...but warned them that if they're not helpful tomorrow points can just as easily be deducted! x
Posted by: PinkCatJo | 07 September 2011 at 16:51
Mine will turn 11 in December.
Pass the alcohol.
Posted by: Paola | 07 September 2011 at 16:52
If it's any consolation, mine went through a really tedious phase and came out the other side as a very pleasant human being. Who actually behaves as if he enjoys his parents! I think he figured out that his friends were even more ridiculous than we are. But he's 13 now, and I have known many insufferable 14-year-olds, so we'll see...
P.S. He has no electronic gadgets - not even a mobile phone - and is living to tell the tale.
Posted by: Lynn | 07 September 2011 at 19:01
OMG you have just described my 11 year old - "dont want to go there, dont want to do that - blah blah" this really gets my back up so of we go all in a strop and they have a fab time and coming home "that was great" with almost a thank you - we have this nearly every time we go out - the only time it doesnt is when it involves a theme park!!!
Posted by: ali.b. | 07 September 2011 at 20:44
I can't remember this phase. I think it must be like labour - your brain cuts out to save your sanity - otherwise you would never have another teenager in the house. I do remember that we spent a lot of time watching classic movies which was very enjoyable for us all.
Posted by: Alice C | 07 September 2011 at 21:55
You have my greatest sympathy.
I would have gladly paid someone to remove my first born son to some far off place. Eleven was Hell. Second son was much more agreeable.
It all changed at age 13 and now they are both grown up and such a joy.
It will get better. I swear it will!
Posted by: ellen kelley | 07 September 2011 at 22:35
Looks like you're not the only one!
My son is turning 11 next year...I think we have an interesting year ahead of us.
Posted by: Soo | 08 September 2011 at 02:44
My boys are a bit older than yours but, yes, it's all too familiar! They are quite happy at home but enjoy the visits when they are manipulated out of the house. We've always had busy holidays and taken them to various places and I've found, this holiday, that I am the one who's missed going out!
Posted by: Louise | 08 September 2011 at 07:36
I remember being advised by a teacher of the old school variety, that boys do indeed go through a funny phase but if they're good lads before it all starts, then indeed, they'll still be good lads when they come out the other side. With a lovely 26 year old to prove it, I can offer consolation that it won't last forever.
Posted by: Gill | 08 September 2011 at 09:20
Ahhh yes, with my fella just turned 9 I can already sense the change creeping in. The very slight moodiness, the reluctance to be pulled away from his mates. And just recently, the beginnings of self-consciousness of body/image. I agree, it's all quite uncomfortable. hang in there Ali, I sense that your boys are Good'n's so you just need to have faith in your parenting.xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by: Lucy@Attic24 | 08 September 2011 at 12:20
Oh Ali, what shines through is how lovely you are as a mother though - that you persisted in trying to do things rather than leave him stinking in his bedroom. I agree - I dislike the idea of having my children plugged into electronic devices, but love the idea of photography - will a camera be an 11th birthday present?
No advice to offer, as we're not quite there yet - it's hard to imagine before it happens (and I know that in some form or other becoming a teenager will change her) that our sunshiny, lovely girl will be anything other. However, just from my own teenage years, when I was utterly monsterous, when I look back I can see that much of my behaviour came from pushing boundaries...and finding that my parents never set firm enough ones for me. They were so eager to be kind, to understand, to work with me on things that they never stood their ground. I think I became more outrageous subconsciously hoping that at some point they'd set some parameters.
As a consequence I'm very strict on boundaries - once I've said what the consequence of an action will be I always stick to it...I do sometimes wonder though that in trying to avoid the mistakes my parents made with me, I could be inadvertantly making my own mistakes, just of a different variety! I think it's one of those things that you don't find out until afterwards.
Which leads me to think that I'm not sure it's possible to get it right. x
Posted by: Florence | 08 September 2011 at 12:47
I'm a member of the club too. It's like my lovely boys has been kidnapped by aliens and returned after all their experiments have gone wrong and ruined him.
Hard work.
My mantra is 'it's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase'.
I hope.
Posted by: Monica | 09 September 2011 at 10:11
I have the same sort of problem with Daisy (11) but unfortunately Fred (9) does what ever she does so I have the problem doubled! This sort of behaviour is challenging to say the least. Lucy x
Posted by: lucylocket | 15 September 2011 at 10:32
My 8 year old already thinks that I am a mean mum as I don't let him play his dad's computer game (I've already lost one member of the family to gaming, I don't plan to lose more...). Luckily he's still at an age where excursions are great. It's the home time we struggle with.
Posted by: UK lass in US | 07 October 2011 at 17:27