Hard shell

Yes, it HAS been quiet around here. I have had the gentlest of kind and friendly prods from some of you asking if all is well. Thank you, and yes, it is really, in the grand scheme of things.

Do you ever have a crisis of confidence? When suddenly you seem to loose sight of quite who you are or what you think or what is important to you. It happens to me every once in a while. And I look round at everyone else and think how sorted and together and assured they seem. How secure in their own skin. And I flounder about feeling out of my depth and over-exposed.

And like a turtle, I long for the security of my own shell. Where I can just read a book or loose myself in a film and not be required to have an opinion about anything at all. The good news is, I have been cracking along with my reading pile and have seen more films in the last fortnight than in the preceding 6 months. 

But at some point, you have to face up to sticking your neck back out. Because really, life is defined by interactions. Some wonderful and life affirming and others less so. But without them it's all a bit pointless. I would never make it as a hermit.

So, hello, waving from my shell and heading back to join the party. I was planning on bringing these walnuts to share.

But once I had hacked off the fibrous exteriors and broken the extremely hard shells open with a hammer (wearing latex gloves,  to protect from the yellow staining), I discovered that they tasted absolutely revolting.

And don't even get me started on the smell. I had to search my memory banks for what it reminded me of - now I think I have it. Bile. Nasty eh?

Comments

[Emma]

Hello there. Good to see you. Sorry to read about your hermitty feelings, although it sounds as though you've been quietly busy inside your shell. I've had many attacks of the hermits over the past year. Lucky we both have just the right kind of gloves for it!

In shell or out all I know is it's good to visit here xxx

p.s. sorry about the stinky walnuts

[Laura]

You have just described, ever so eloquently, just how I feel! Thank you, it doesn't seem so bad now I've seen it in writing. Welcome back!

[kristina]

I was just about to email you to make sure all was well. So happy to have you back. But I think I'll pass on the walnuts! K x

P.S. I seem to live in a constant crisis of confidence...

[Julie]

Glad to find you back. I can relate to your crisis of confidence but I think that times like this make us think more about who we are underneath what we project to the outside world and that's definitely a good thing because it helps reaffirm what really is important to us.

Bad luck with the walnuts - you deserved a treat after after all the hard work of cracking into them!

[Simone]

Yucky poo! Bile-y walnuts!!!!! Welcome back to the party! x

[Jennifer]

I have those crisis a lot lately after putting myself out there in the open. Glad you are feeling a little better, hope the confidence returns in full swing. Ewww, not a pleasant smell for something you are supposed to eat.

[Dragonfly]

Hello again. Tucking your head in now and then is no bad thing.
How disappointing about the walnuts - and bile? Yuk!

[Lisa]

Shame about the walnuts, what a let down! Maybe have some chocolate instead!
Thanks for the ghost lolly link, we made some this afternoon and my two loved it.
Lisa x

[dottycookie]

I've been thinking of you today, and am glad to see this post and know you are OK. Would it make you feel better to know that you always seem to me to be a very together person when I've having my own crises of confidence?

[carolyn]

with those walnuts...you're supposed to let them dry out until the outer shell (the green one) cracks open and then let the walnuts dry a bit more then they are ready to eat. I think you now know what an unripe walnut tastes like. :(

[Rachel L]

Welcome back!

[jane]

I definitely know about crises of confidence, and sticking one's head out of one's shell is so, so hard to do. But i'm glad you have done it! The walnuts sound utterly horrible though... I don't think I've ever seen a fresh walnut before, they are so pretty!

[Petit Filoux]

Hum I'm glad you feel better, I know how you feel. It is difficult sometimes, other people give off the appearance that their life is all perfect and sorted, but really, everyone is the same! Every once in a while, you just need to put everything down and think. Books and movies can definitely help indeed! And goodness, those walnuts won't have helped much!!! Glad to have you back xx

[Simmy]

Walnuts in their green stage are only good for dyeing with or pickling and they really do produce a great colour. Pickled walnuts are lovely too.

Sorry to hear about your crisis of confidence - must be our age.

[monica]

quick get to the chocolate QUICK!!

phew.

Must let the walnuts dry well first... (I like the nut cracker, geesh... you're scary)

[Tiffany]

Oh, I love your thoughts and can so relate! And your wretched walnuts make you all the more endearing.

[Gina]

So glad you've come back out of your shell!

[UK lass in US]

Whenever you need to be reassured that there are other people who do not have it all together, just drop me a line and I'll give you a blow by blow account of my day...

[lizandrsn]

You know, those picture perfect people get to me, too, sometimes. And then I remind myself: for all their fancy photos from their big buck cameras of their to-die-for stacks of Designer Name fabrics, Martha organized studios in their Ikea decorated homes with children who are nothing less than Montessori geniuses, they still have issues to deal with and probably forgot to take photos. Karma will get around to them. Eventually.
Chin up and welcome back.

[AliceC]

Slimey, biley walnuts that dry out to become delicious (allegedly...). There is a lesson for life there somewhere. If you send me a fiver I am sure that I can come up with something improving and motivating.

[Badsparklythings]

Just wanted to make my first comment on your blog, although I've been reading it for a wee while now.
Glad that you're feeling braver again. I love your work and think you do a great job!

[Simply h]

Welcome back! Glad to know I am not the only one who goes through moments like that! I am sure even those people who appear incredibly confident on the outside have lots of insecurities on the inside! x

[gill]

Hey, welcome back....I'm another one who's retreated into my shell this year, my daughter keeps asking when I'm going to blog again because she likes reading my posts! But I'm not sure anyone else will still be interested after so long away so I might as well just tell her my news in person :)
Hope you feel more in the mood to share snippets of your life with us.

[kirsten]

well, bile walnuts... delish.

just remember we all love you.

[Lucy Locket-Pocket]

Ewww to the walnuts! But hooray to you being back at the party - sorry you haven't been feeling 100% lately. Did you see any good films during your hibernation? And what books did you read?

Lucy xxx

[Mom Wald's Place]

There's alot to be said for hibernating. Thanks for sharing with us.

My grandfather used to do black walnuts by the five gallon pail. He'd wait until the husks were black and mushy. Very attractive to his grand-daughters, then after removing the goo he'd let them dry.

He had an anvil he did them on. Now that I'm an adult, I think he probably smashed those nuts to relieve stress from our relatives.

He'd give my grandmother the nuts and she would make the best black walnut fudge. People would come all over to buy some.

I haven't had black walnut fudge since, and I bet we all know why. Those darn nuts.

[lina]

Glad you poked your head back out to say hello. This time of year brings my hibernation instinct out...

[The Coffee Lady]

I know exactly how that feels. The first bit, not the walnuts. They come all ready in bags, don't they?

[Cat]

From one shell to another - hello!

p.s. I thought they only came in cakes...

[Tiel]

you always seem to hit the same note with me. I truly understand what you wrote..right here right now...I hope to stick my head in my shell next week. ALL WEEK!

[PinkCat]

I wondered where you'd gone. Glad you're feeling a bit more like yourself. Sometimes it's good to have a bloggy break - it puts things in perspective again! I know just how you've been feeling.

Lose the walnuts and enjoy some chocolate! x

[kelly]

i had the very same feeling this month...it's funny how it just happens from time to time but i think writing about it helps move on from that very feeling. glad that you had some quality time with good books and films for company on your blog break! and i'm sure that november will bring plenty of fresh inspiration for you. Xx

[Lynne]

I've been sneakily reading your blog for while now, but was hiding too far inside my shell ever to comment. Something about this post enticed me out.

I love your blog, am extremely envious that you work in a book shop and just wish I had the patience to learn to sew, knit, crochet and generally get a bit crafty. Thankfully I can bake or I would feel like a complete incompetent!

Blogs like yours have inspired me to think about one day, maybe, possibly, writing my own - but just for now I'm a bit too shy.

And I don't know anything about walnuts - except that the pickled ones are delicious with a nice piece of mature cheddar.

[Lesley]

Well said Ali - I have those very feelings myself and you put it beautifully!

Shame about the walnuts. We harvested our hazel nuts and after the first (very tasty) taste gave Monster and I a funny tingly feeling in our throats we decided to give the rest to the squirrels...just in case!!

xxx

[French Knots]

I think wearing so many different hats can make us lose sight of ourselves - wife, mother, friend, worker - it's easy for 'me' to get smothered and the path forward blurred.x

[jen oliver]

Hi, Ali :o) When it gets really hot and I lack peace and clarity for direction, I start longing for the crisp days of Autumn--this led me to click on your "October" archives when I popped in for a visit, and here I am. After admiring your darling Jack-O-Lanterns (above), I landed here. I can relate all too well to this hermit-syndrome and sense of 'wander-ment' (when you wish it was always a sense of 'wonderment'). My experience tells me more and more often that even those rare folk who have found a measure of steady direction, and thus seem to have it together "all the time" (and thus live with this apparent confident purpose, always! how?!?) are just as scared and uncertain as everyone else--at least once in a while. And, they even have boring days! Hard to believe in the blog world, right? But it's true, I'm sure of it.

So, don't feel alone; I for one know for a fact that I would be a perfectly horrible mess--all the time, not just sometimes, as the case may be--if not for God's grace in my life ;o) I also know that some people (like me) DO recharge their batteries with a certain measure of solitude. Not everyone can be an extrovert! So, don't feel bad about the occasional hermitage... If you're like me, they make you a better version of yourself when you do feel strong enough to extend yourself again. You seem to have found a good balance, though... Hope this comment finds you in "the sweet spot" between the extremes! :o)